[ Touch was a weakness. Whether he was man or beast, a single touch was often all it took to ensnare his attention. The last time he'd changed, Law's nose against his fur had done wonders to the pain in his limbs. Salamander's hand atop his muzzle and under his chin after the first time had calmed him. It had soothed the savage beast and put his fear, anger and anxiety to rest before he'd been put to sleep with whatever concoction they had waved under his nose. Touch was his greatest weakness, and he made no secret to hide it with Dohalim.
It had always been subtle. Soft fingers touching his elbow, and Zephyr would lean towards him. They'd touch the barely-there scar over the bridge of his nose in his sleep, and Zephyr would quiet. Hands would press into the knotted muscles across his shoulders and back, and he'd damn near melt.
Now he was touching his jaw. Those neat fingernails scratching across a week-old stubble that he hasn't had the chance to trim. Warm, even breath ghosting along the shell of his ear. A deep inhale, and for a moment Zephyr swears he feels like the Beast with how much of Dohalim he can smell.
Maybe it never completely wore off to begin with.
Maybe it never wore off, and that alone is why the Dahnan barely moves when he feels soft, unchapped lips leaving a trail along his jaw and to the junction of his throat. His nostrils flare with a second inhale, and while he makes no move to stop his advances he does reach out for the wrist of his free hand with one of his own, and moves the other to hover over a dark flank free of any scars. ]
You— [ "Smell nice" is what the Beast wants to say. It's what he wants to say more than anything. ] What's... this about, Do?
[ The hold on his wrist tightens — questioning — but he never pulls his hand back. He does the opposite: his head tilts, (unintentionally) baring more of his throat. ]
[Dohalim won't pass up the 'offering' of Zephyr's throat, lips and teeth ghosting over the raised swell of his adam's apple. Warm breath fanning over rough skin.
Dohalim could have taken any number of Dahnan lovers during his reign, but had always resisted the urge with the exception of one. No matter how badly they appeared to want him, his experience with a Dahnan man he thought was giving himself willingly, only to see the fear in his eyes after the deed was done and he was awaiting his Lord's approval, was enough.
All Dohalim has ever wanted is to be wanted for who he truly is, rather than what he can offer, but when that much feels like a hopeless cause... he still has so much to offer. Even without his power or position.
The fingers of his restrained hand seek to twine with Zephyr's fingers as he noses into the crook of his neck kissing at a half-hidden scar on his shoulder. His other hand moves to the collar of Zephyr's shirt, teasing laces open, to reveal all of that scar and more.]
I want to be with you. Now and forever. I told you I would stand by your side, and I meant it. Stand. Kneel.
[ Zephyr swallows, adam's apple bobbing with the effort. He'd have to be blind and deaf to not realize what Dohalim is after here. What he's been after since that morning with Law. The morning that had never been spoken about since it happened despite how badly the older Dahnan had wanted to ask about it. Dohalim hadn't brought it up, so part of him had chalked it up to having been a mindless, spur of the moment-type thing. That he'd only wanted...
Distantly he recalls what a wise man had told him years and years ago. "What do they say about assumptions?"
Another swallow and he shuts his eyes at the sensation of his lips finding the beginning curve of the scar kept under wraps. It connects to the myriad others littered across his back, but he can't bring himself to protest it. He finds he doesn't want to stop him and yet... ]
T-Talk to me. Before I...
[ Before what? he hears himself ask. Before what?
Yet despite his own hesitation, Zephyr's hand never leaves his wrist. He doesn't make any effort to pull his hand back, and he simply lets Dohalim lace their fingers together. He takes a half step back towards the wall, and brings Dohalim one step forward with him. ]
[Now it's Dohalim's turn to hesitate. Stepping with Zephyr, but pulling back just enough to look up at the other man. Seeking understanding in his eyes, and finding none. Because they're closed.
Just when Dohalim thought he understood the Dahnan, he's left feeling more lost and confused than ever. Ever since the morning he kissed Zephyr he's chased that same high. Trying to get closer to the other man, being more affectionate, more interested, more... open with his affection, and in return the Dahnan drew back. Became more quiet. More distant.]
Am I not making my intentions perfectly clear? I want you. Have wanted you, for some time now.
I kissed you-- you kissed me. I thought that meant you... felt the same way about me.
[A hard swallow, his thumb dragging over Zephyr's scarred knuckles.
Suddenly, Dohalim is feeling a lot less confident in his pursuit, and with insecurity comes no small amount of anxiety. He's a highly sensitive man at the best of times, and right now certainly isn't shaping up to be the best of times.]
Would you open your eyes and look at me? It isn't so difficult, is it?
I... I don't know how you want me, Dohalim. That's the thing.
[ His eyes open a sliver to look down at their conjoined hands, and then he's moving the one at his side up, up, up and brushing his fingertips over his cheek. Then, a step further to cup his face in a rough palm. He has to take another breath. Another slow one. One that fills his sinuses with the scent of rosewater, rose-oil, and something distinctly Dohalim.
It's funny how he'd never noticed the smell before despite the number of times he'd fallen asleep or woke up in the middle of the night with his nose buried in his hair. Somehow it's more clear now, and for a brief moment Zephyr feels his teeth itch in his mouth.
Whatever it is, he quashes it down and throws it into a box to be buried and unearthed at an inopportune time. ]
I know that I want you by my side. I don't care that you're a Renan and I sure as hell don't care about the fact that you're a Lord. That's not what— I mean—
[ Zephyr's cheeks puff out with an exhale. For all the speeches he's given over his life, he never was very good at speaking so candidly like this. So he shuts off that part of his brain and lowers his head to press his forehead against Dohalim's. ]
I don't want to scare you off, because I... I think...
Then what is it? What do you care about? What is the problem...
[Zephyr is touching him, yet Dohalim can hardly feel it. He's already in his head. Mind turning over and over the past few weeks in his head. The caution in Zephyr's eyes, and lack of anything past their usual affection and intimacy. If anything, a slight decline.
The Dahnan is so close, but feels terribly far away. Farther now than ever.
When Zephyr says he doesn't want to 'scare him off', Dohalim's heart sinks into his gut. He knows what's coming next. A soft rejection, in favour of protecting what they have. Their friendship and familial ties. Dohalim shouldn't be upset. Really, he should be grateful he's received as much from Zephyr as he's been given, but it hurts nonetheless.
It's Dohalim's turn to shut his eyes, fighting back hot tears. He tugs at his wrist, attempting to step back and put space between them. Before his traitorous body humiliates him anymore than he's already humiliated himself.]
Please, I don't need your pity. We can retain what we had. I simply misunderstood your interest. I'm sorry for... all of this. I was wrong to assume.
[Delusional, really. As Dohalim is with most things in life. Always caught up in his flights of fantasy with little thought to reality, or the people caught in his wake.]
[ He feels Dohalim trying to pull away, and Zephyr tightens his hold that much more. Among the hundreds of fights and thousands of run-ins with death, nothing has backed him into a corner like this. Nothing since he'd taken a certain young woman's hands into his own and spilled — albeit clumsily — everything he'd been holding in his heart. He wasn't that nervous, uncertain boy anymore who was afraid of rejection from the person he'd fallen in love with.
He was a man who'd lost everything simply because he'd been selfish. His selfishness had robbed that same woman of the peace she'd deserved in her final hours. It had cost him the relationship with his son. It drove his son to run away and lead Zephyr to believe the last and only remaining member of his family was dead for so many years.
That same selfishness resulted in robbing a son of his father.
He was selfish. There were so many mistakes born from his selfishness and he'd forever carry the greatest one around until this world decided to send him back to Dahna and to the afterlife he wasn't so sure he deserved. How could he look her in the face after all of this? She would've wanted him to try and find some sort of happiness, and here he was about to let it slip through his fingers.
Dohalim speaks of pity. Of misunderstanding. Apologies and assumptions and questioning what he cares about. He's asking what the problem is, and Zephyr makes a half-strangled sound that dies in his throat. He draws back, and his gaze remains fixed on their hands. The one at his face lowers to reach for Dohalim's opposite one, and he tries to ignore the tremble he sees in his own fingers. When he next speaks, his voice is barely above a murmur. Rough, quiet, and strained. ]
...You can do so much better than me.
[ "Not telling others how much they truly meant to me before it was too late. That is the greatest mistake of my life." ]
You deserve much better than me, Dohalim. You deserve someone who'll be there when you return to Dahna. You deserve more than a ghost who only knew how to fight. I want to be that person for you. I want this — [ He tightens his hold for a moment, and then relaxes his grip before it becomes painful. ] — but I don't know if I've earned that. I-I don't... know if I've even begun to atone for leaving her side when she needed me. What am I going to do when it happens again?
[ Not if. When. Because the only reason he's standing here breathing is because this world allows him. If the rumors are true death isn't permanent, but even so... When he outlives his usefulness to this world, that's it. He'll be a memory and nothing more. ]
I don't care that you're Renan. I care that I might hurt you without meaning to.
No. I cannot do better. I wouldn't want to if I could.
[Dohalim shakes his head vigorously, artfully arranged curls falling out of place. This moment isn't coming together the way he thought it would. His heart is hammering in the worst of ways, and Zephyr's hands are trembling for all the wrong reasons.
Part of Dohalim has always wondered if he was ever meant to find someone, or if the universe putting Zephyr in his life, so close, but out of reach, is part of a cruel and unusual punishment he can't say he doesn't deserve.
He grips Zephyr's hands just as tightly, and opens his eyes. Already wet. Liner smudged and threatened to slip further down his cheeks.]
You are more than I deserve in every way. I-I-- adore you, exactly the way you are. You understand me. You aren't afraid of me, even though you know who I really am and what I'm capable of. You hold me in the moments I don't feel worthy of being held, and... you don't let go.
[A deep breath, trying to find his last ounce of bravery to continue. His hands shaking in turn.
Law said he should express himself, and tell Zephyr what he's thinking and how he feels, and right now there's no other option. One way or another, they're on the precipice of something they can't come back from. Whether it's coming together or walking away.]
I told you I would find a way to bring you back, and I will. Or I... I'll stay here until I do. Because I am selfish, and I need you. So please. Don't withhold yourself from me.
Nothing in this world or any other could wound me more greatly.
[ When he lifts his eyes and catches the wetness to Dohalim's own, the response is automatic. One hand releases the hold he had on his wrist and finds a new place at the Renan's cheek, fingers splaying out and his thumb settling under his eyes. It shouldn't bother him to see him cry. Not after the decades spent living in hell under the heel of people like him.
But Dohalim wasn't those people.
He was so much more than them. A polished stone among rough, half-broken ones. One that was meant to be cherished and not thrown into the grinder like so many others had been. And... Zephyr was nearly on the brink of doing that himself, wasn't he? ]
Tell me that it's what you want. No fancy words.
[ A twinge of amusement slips into his voice despite the way it nearly wavers, and Zephyr drops his forehead back down to Dohalim's. ]
Say it like I'm dumber than every last rock in Calaglia.
[A frustrated exhale, brows knitting together, but when Zephyr prompts him to say it as if he were dumber than every last rock in Calaglia (of which there are many), Dohalim can't help but laugh, however tenuously.
He closes his eyes as their foreheads touch, swallowing hard, because the proximity is both wonderful and painful. Zephyr touches him far more than he's used to, and to endure his tenderness and affection, not knowing if it meant what he so desperately wanted it to mean, has been difficult.]
I want you. I want to be with you.
Please tell me you feel the same way, and that this isn't... some kind of cruel joke.
[ He's quiet for a long, long time. In that bout of silence Zephyr counts every beat of his heart, every breath that Dohalim takes, and just sort of... exists. He lets those words sink in and permeate his entire being, letting them burrow into the fragmented mess of his heart and more. He tries to imagine what his late wife would say about this, tries to wonder if she'd be concerned or simply do That Thing where she'd laugh, shake her head and sock him as hard as she could in the shoulder while calling him an idiot and to just go for it.
He knows it'd be the latter. Out of everyone in the Crows, she shared his vision of the future. Dahnans and Renans living side by side in a world without bloodshed. Where they could live as friends, family and even lovers if they so chose.
...Granted she'd definitely get a kick out of this entire situation for one simple fact: Zephyr was a rebel leader, and Dohalim a Renan Lord. An unlikely pair if there ever was one. But even so... ]
...I do. I've been entertaining the idea of it for awhile, but I didn't know if you—
[ A breath, and he swallows. It's deafening in his ears. ]
I couldn't tell if you were after something strictly physical or not.
[Says the mostly naked Renan Lord who spent over an hour ensuring every inch of his body was hairless, rose-scented and gleaming with oil, shooting Zephyr a scandalized look that's mostly for dramatic effect.]
I've been with plenty of men and women in the past, but all they ever gave me were their bodies. Never their hearts. I was simply a means to an end. Whether it was to inflate someone's ego, or elevate their standing in court.
If all I wanted was sex I could have found it with someone half as stubborn and complicated as a Dahnan rebel commander. Really, of everyone I could have chosen in all of Copalli, many of whom don't know my past and would easily excuse my sins-- of course it had to be you.
I'm always reaching for the stars, and you burn the most brightly of anyone I've ever met.
[A low laugh, eyes casting away. Face and throat burning. As a man who lived much of his life as a liar and a fraud, honesty has always come with great difficulty to Dohalim. To be vulnerable in Renan society comes at a great price, one he hadn't been willing to pay.
Until now.
There is nothing Dohalim wouldn't give to be with the man before him. He will find a way for them to be together, even if it takes him the rest of his life. The gods and magic of this word will rue they day they attempt to kept him from Zephyr's side.]
It isn't enough to share a bed. I want to share thoughts, feelings, a life... when I'm with you, I actually want to live. And I haven't wanted that for myself in some time.
You'd have to go to another city if you were going to bed anyone else, you know. I dunno if you've noticed but a lot of the Salamanders tend to have their noses in a book, plants or some sort of animal they're studying instead of paying attention to what's going on around them. Sometimes all three at once.
[ He hasn't pulled his head away yet, so Zephyr slides his hand further up his face and cards his fingers through that brilliant sea of red. Even if he gets exasperated with how he tends to wind up with so much of it in his face and on his pillow in the morning, he'll always be amazed at one thing:
How soft it is.
His mind drifts to a time when he'd do this with her, too. And Law. It was his way of connecting with them by doing something so trivial. His own was never long enough to toy with, so he'd simply make due with theirs. ]
I don't know if you know this or not but you're hardly the first person to call me stubborn. I heard it weekly back in Ulzebek, and I hear it in Salamander's voice here, too. And many of the other Salamanders. Even the old woman down the street calls me stubborn. If you're... If you're willing to put up with that and be patient, then...
I'll have you know I receive many a second glance as I take my afternoon strolls.
[An arched brow, taken slightly aback. Is Zephyr trying to tell him he isn't half as attractive as he thinks himself, or is he implying there are no better options and he's Dohalim's last resort? Either way, he isn't altogether thrilled by that particular comment.
Especially after Dohalim had bared his heart to Zephyr, and told him in no uncertain terms that he is the light of his life.]
I can handle stubborn, so long as you're actually willing. I'll admit... these past weeks, I did wonder if you were thinking about me at all.
It's difficult to want someone, not knowing if they see you the same way you see them. I know you've already had your great love, and I would never deign to think I could mean as much to you as she does, but I would hope I'm more than... a consolation prize.
[But then there's that hand in his curls, and Dohalim can't think past how good it feels to bask in the light of Zephyr's touch and attention, of which he has been left painfully wanting. Maybe it would be alright not to be the star in someone's eyes, as long as they could make you feel that way for a little while. Bits and pieces of true love and affection are more than someone with a heart as dark as his own is entitled to.
Dohalim closes his eyes, holding onto Zephyr's hand more tightly. More anxious than anticipating. He has no idea what's coming, and now he knows better than to assume.]
You never noticed the ones right in front of you, though.
[ He says it so quietly it may as well have been whispered to a moth cupped in his hands. A prayer to Mother Dahna herself, rather than another living, breathing person. He's barely even aware of it himself, but... It's out there. There's no taking it back now.
Only when Dohalim finally closes his eyes does Zephyr finally, finally steel himself. His forehead lifts from the Renan's, and he replaces that contact with a gentle press of dry lips. Another to the spot between his brows. Their noses bump together a little awkwardly, and Zephyr lingers for a moment. ]
I'll only ask this once, Dohalim. Don't... Don't compare yourself to her. I loved her. Love her still. But you're two different people. No matter how it sounds I'll never favor one over the other and to do so would be unfair to not just her, but you. It'd be unfair to everyone I've ever cared for. And... I'm pretty sure if I ever started to, she'd find a way to return from Mother Dahna to kick my ass across the entire continent and back.
[ Ducking his head down, Zephyr ghosts his lips over his cheek. Skips his mouth, and dips lower to bury his nose into the crook of his neck. If he focuses his senses he'd swear he could feel his pulse, but he can't linger. Taking a slow breath — one deep enough to draw more of that rose-scent in to placate the strange, almost wild urge he feels in the back of his mind — he does the one thing he never imagined he'd do willingly for another Renan.
He releases Dohalim's hair, takes both hands into his own (properly this time), and drops to one knee. He kneels. Head bowed. ]
You look at everyone with such warmth and kindness...
[Weakly, without any backbone behind it, because Zephyr is right. As he so often is. Zephyer does see Dohalim. All of him. Whether Dohalim wants him to or not.
All of the fear, insecurity, and anxiety threatening to overwhelm Dohalim for the past few weeks, compelling his turbulent thoughts and emotions, is dispatched by Zephyr's words with the same simple conviction as his fists.
A bitten back sob as Zephyr's lips break down the last of the defensive line he hadn't known he was holding. It shouldn't be possible for the Dahnan to fight and win the battles going on inside of Dohalim, but somehow Zephyr always does. Protecting him from himself the same as he would anyone else seeking to hurt him.]
I won't, I promise-- to you and Law.
[Dawning realization as Dohalim opens his eyes, and sees the Dahnan kneeling at his feet. He knows what it means. How couldn't he? Zephyr has spent his entire life standing tall beneath the crushing weight of Renan oppression, refusing to take a knee for any Lord, no matter their power.
His hands are shaking in Zephyr's hands, and before Dohalim can find it within himself to speak again, his falling tears are wetting their fingers.]
Oh. Oh my word. You're... you're ruining my eyeliner. Please get up.
[ The shaking doesn't go unnoticed, and in response Zephyr threads their fingers together and squeezes. Just once, and not harsh enough to cause discomfort but enough to offer some form of reassurance. It takes him a moment to stand back on his own two feet, though it's not because his knees are stiff. Rather he takes the opportunity to look up at Dohalim with a weary smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
It's strange. Part of him had been afraid to even think about doing such a thing lest it draw forth painful memories from a life before becoming a rebel. Another part had worried about seeing pity or worse, disappointment in those eyes of his.
Despite it all, he finds none of it. The only thing he feels is a sense of relief and a heavy weight sliding from his shoulders. It's alright. It's going to be okay. ]
You're the first Renan to ever say that.
[ It's a joke. A bad one, but a joke all the same. When he finally hauls himself up it's not to cradle Dohalim's face between his palms or even lean down to kiss him. Instead of doing the predictable, he ducks down just enough to grab hold of the Renan's thighs and lift until his head sits higher than his own. Both arms go under them to support him, and Zephyr leans in to press a kiss to bronze skin. ]
Be gentle with me, alright? Remember, it's been a few years.
[It really is a bad joke, and a worse retort, not that it stops Dohalim from laughing between sobs. He hardly has time to wipe his tears away before Zephyr is picking him up as if he were a feather. Dohalim's hands go to the Dahnan's broad shoulders, ankles locking delicately behind his back.]
I make no promises, but shall do my best to try.
[A smile down at Zephyr, capturing his mouth in a kiss that's anything but chaste. The time for sweetness and subtlety has surely passed, and after how long Dohalim has wanted to be with Zephyr, not to mention the entire day of preparation, he is more than ready to take this confrontation to the sheets.
They may not be the silk-satin of Dohalim's bed in Autelina, but they'll do.]
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It had always been subtle. Soft fingers touching his elbow, and Zephyr would lean towards him. They'd touch the barely-there scar over the bridge of his nose in his sleep, and Zephyr would quiet. Hands would press into the knotted muscles across his shoulders and back, and he'd damn near melt.
Now he was touching his jaw. Those neat fingernails scratching across a week-old stubble that he hasn't had the chance to trim. Warm, even breath ghosting along the shell of his ear. A deep inhale, and for a moment Zephyr swears he feels like the Beast with how much of Dohalim he can smell.
Maybe it never completely wore off to begin with.
Maybe it never wore off, and that alone is why the Dahnan barely moves when he feels soft, unchapped lips leaving a trail along his jaw and to the junction of his throat. His nostrils flare with a second inhale, and while he makes no move to stop his advances he does reach out for the wrist of his free hand with one of his own, and moves the other to hover over a dark flank free of any scars. ]
You— [ "Smell nice" is what the Beast wants to say. It's what he wants to say more than anything. ] What's... this about, Do?
[ The hold on his wrist tightens — questioning — but he never pulls his hand back. He does the opposite: his head tilts, (unintentionally) baring more of his throat. ]
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[Dohalim won't pass up the 'offering' of Zephyr's throat, lips and teeth ghosting over the raised swell of his adam's apple. Warm breath fanning over rough skin.
Dohalim could have taken any number of Dahnan lovers during his reign, but had always resisted the urge with the exception of one. No matter how badly they appeared to want him, his experience with a Dahnan man he thought was giving himself willingly, only to see the fear in his eyes after the deed was done and he was awaiting his Lord's approval, was enough.
All Dohalim has ever wanted is to be wanted for who he truly is, rather than what he can offer, but when that much feels like a hopeless cause... he still has so much to offer. Even without his power or position.
The fingers of his restrained hand seek to twine with Zephyr's fingers as he noses into the crook of his neck kissing at a half-hidden scar on his shoulder. His other hand moves to the collar of Zephyr's shirt, teasing laces open, to reveal all of that scar and more.]
I want to be with you. Now and forever. I told you I would stand by your side, and I meant it. Stand. Kneel.
Whatever it is your heart desires.
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[ Zephyr swallows, adam's apple bobbing with the effort. He'd have to be blind and deaf to not realize what Dohalim is after here. What he's been after since that morning with Law. The morning that had never been spoken about since it happened despite how badly the older Dahnan had wanted to ask about it. Dohalim hadn't brought it up, so part of him had chalked it up to having been a mindless, spur of the moment-type thing. That he'd only wanted...
Distantly he recalls what a wise man had told him years and years ago. "What do they say about assumptions?"
Another swallow and he shuts his eyes at the sensation of his lips finding the beginning curve of the scar kept under wraps. It connects to the myriad others littered across his back, but he can't bring himself to protest it. He finds he doesn't want to stop him and yet... ]
T-Talk to me. Before I...
[ Before what? he hears himself ask. Before what?
Yet despite his own hesitation, Zephyr's hand never leaves his wrist. He doesn't make any effort to pull his hand back, and he simply lets Dohalim lace their fingers together. He takes a half step back towards the wall, and brings Dohalim one step forward with him. ]
I don't want to play guessing games.
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[Now it's Dohalim's turn to hesitate. Stepping with Zephyr, but pulling back just enough to look up at the other man. Seeking understanding in his eyes, and finding none. Because they're closed.
Just when Dohalim thought he understood the Dahnan, he's left feeling more lost and confused than ever. Ever since the morning he kissed Zephyr he's chased that same high. Trying to get closer to the other man, being more affectionate, more interested, more... open with his affection, and in return the Dahnan drew back. Became more quiet. More distant.]
Am I not making my intentions perfectly clear? I want you. Have wanted you, for some time now.
I kissed you-- you kissed me. I thought that meant you... felt the same way about me.
[A hard swallow, his thumb dragging over Zephyr's scarred knuckles.
Suddenly, Dohalim is feeling a lot less confident in his pursuit, and with insecurity comes no small amount of anxiety. He's a highly sensitive man at the best of times, and right now certainly isn't shaping up to be the best of times.]
Would you open your eyes and look at me? It isn't so difficult, is it?
Does the sight of me not please you?
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[ His eyes open a sliver to look down at their conjoined hands, and then he's moving the one at his side up, up, up and brushing his fingertips over his cheek. Then, a step further to cup his face in a rough palm. He has to take another breath. Another slow one. One that fills his sinuses with the scent of rosewater, rose-oil, and something distinctly Dohalim.
It's funny how he'd never noticed the smell before despite the number of times he'd fallen asleep or woke up in the middle of the night with his nose buried in his hair. Somehow it's more clear now, and for a brief moment Zephyr feels his teeth itch in his mouth.
Whatever it is, he quashes it down and throws it into a box to be buried and unearthed at an inopportune time. ]
I know that I want you by my side. I don't care that you're a Renan and I sure as hell don't care about the fact that you're a Lord. That's not what— I mean—
[ Zephyr's cheeks puff out with an exhale. For all the speeches he's given over his life, he never was very good at speaking so candidly like this. So he shuts off that part of his brain and lowers his head to press his forehead against Dohalim's. ]
I don't want to scare you off, because I... I think...
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[Zephyr is touching him, yet Dohalim can hardly feel it. He's already in his head. Mind turning over and over the past few weeks in his head. The caution in Zephyr's eyes, and lack of anything past their usual affection and intimacy. If anything, a slight decline.
The Dahnan is so close, but feels terribly far away. Farther now than ever.
When Zephyr says he doesn't want to 'scare him off', Dohalim's heart sinks into his gut. He knows what's coming next. A soft rejection, in favour of protecting what they have. Their friendship and familial ties. Dohalim shouldn't be upset. Really, he should be grateful he's received as much from Zephyr as he's been given, but it hurts nonetheless.
It's Dohalim's turn to shut his eyes, fighting back hot tears. He tugs at his wrist, attempting to step back and put space between them. Before his traitorous body humiliates him anymore than he's already humiliated himself.]
Please, I don't need your pity. We can retain what we had. I simply misunderstood your interest. I'm sorry for... all of this. I was wrong to assume.
[Delusional, really. As Dohalim is with most things in life. Always caught up in his flights of fantasy with little thought to reality, or the people caught in his wake.]
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[ He feels Dohalim trying to pull away, and Zephyr tightens his hold that much more. Among the hundreds of fights and thousands of run-ins with death, nothing has backed him into a corner like this. Nothing since he'd taken a certain young woman's hands into his own and spilled — albeit clumsily — everything he'd been holding in his heart. He wasn't that nervous, uncertain boy anymore who was afraid of rejection from the person he'd fallen in love with.
He was a man who'd lost everything simply because he'd been selfish. His selfishness had robbed that same woman of the peace she'd deserved in her final hours. It had cost him the relationship with his son. It drove his son to run away and lead Zephyr to believe the last and only remaining member of his family was dead for so many years.
That same selfishness resulted in robbing a son of his father.
He was selfish. There were so many mistakes born from his selfishness and he'd forever carry the greatest one around until this world decided to send him back to Dahna and to the afterlife he wasn't so sure he deserved. How could he look her in the face after all of this? She would've wanted him to try and find some sort of happiness, and here he was about to let it slip through his fingers.
Dohalim speaks of pity. Of misunderstanding. Apologies and assumptions and questioning what he cares about. He's asking what the problem is, and Zephyr makes a half-strangled sound that dies in his throat. He draws back, and his gaze remains fixed on their hands. The one at his face lowers to reach for Dohalim's opposite one, and he tries to ignore the tremble he sees in his own fingers. When he next speaks, his voice is barely above a murmur. Rough, quiet, and strained. ]
...You can do so much better than me.
[ "Not telling others how much they truly meant to me before it was too late. That is the greatest mistake of my life." ]
You deserve much better than me, Dohalim. You deserve someone who'll be there when you return to Dahna. You deserve more than a ghost who only knew how to fight. I want to be that person for you. I want this — [ He tightens his hold for a moment, and then relaxes his grip before it becomes painful. ] — but I don't know if I've earned that. I-I don't... know if I've even begun to atone for leaving her side when she needed me. What am I going to do when it happens again?
[ Not if. When. Because the only reason he's standing here breathing is because this world allows him. If the rumors are true death isn't permanent, but even so... When he outlives his usefulness to this world, that's it. He'll be a memory and nothing more. ]
I don't care that you're Renan. I care that I might hurt you without meaning to.
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[Dohalim shakes his head vigorously, artfully arranged curls falling out of place. This moment isn't coming together the way he thought it would. His heart is hammering in the worst of ways, and Zephyr's hands are trembling for all the wrong reasons.
Part of Dohalim has always wondered if he was ever meant to find someone, or if the universe putting Zephyr in his life, so close, but out of reach, is part of a cruel and unusual punishment he can't say he doesn't deserve.
He grips Zephyr's hands just as tightly, and opens his eyes. Already wet. Liner smudged and threatened to slip further down his cheeks.]
You are more than I deserve in every way. I-I-- adore you, exactly the way you are. You understand me. You aren't afraid of me, even though you know who I really am and what I'm capable of. You hold me in the moments I don't feel worthy of being held, and... you don't let go.
[A deep breath, trying to find his last ounce of bravery to continue. His hands shaking in turn.
Law said he should express himself, and tell Zephyr what he's thinking and how he feels, and right now there's no other option. One way or another, they're on the precipice of something they can't come back from. Whether it's coming together or walking away.]
I told you I would find a way to bring you back, and I will. Or I... I'll stay here until I do. Because I am selfish, and I need you. So please. Don't withhold yourself from me.
Nothing in this world or any other could wound me more greatly.
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But Dohalim wasn't those people.
He was so much more than them. A polished stone among rough, half-broken ones. One that was meant to be cherished and not thrown into the grinder like so many others had been. And... Zephyr was nearly on the brink of doing that himself, wasn't he? ]
Tell me that it's what you want. No fancy words.
[ A twinge of amusement slips into his voice despite the way it nearly wavers, and Zephyr drops his forehead back down to Dohalim's. ]
Say it like I'm dumber than every last rock in Calaglia.
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[A frustrated exhale, brows knitting together, but when Zephyr prompts him to say it as if he were dumber than every last rock in Calaglia (of which there are many), Dohalim can't help but laugh, however tenuously.
He closes his eyes as their foreheads touch, swallowing hard, because the proximity is both wonderful and painful. Zephyr touches him far more than he's used to, and to endure his tenderness and affection, not knowing if it meant what he so desperately wanted it to mean, has been difficult.]
I want you. I want to be with you.
Please tell me you feel the same way, and that this isn't... some kind of cruel joke.
[Cosmic or otherwise.]
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He knows it'd be the latter. Out of everyone in the Crows, she shared his vision of the future. Dahnans and Renans living side by side in a world without bloodshed. Where they could live as friends, family and even lovers if they so chose.
...Granted she'd definitely get a kick out of this entire situation for one simple fact: Zephyr was a rebel leader, and Dohalim a Renan Lord. An unlikely pair if there ever was one. But even so... ]
...I do. I've been entertaining the idea of it for awhile, but I didn't know if you—
[ A breath, and he swallows. It's deafening in his ears. ]
I couldn't tell if you were after something strictly physical or not.
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[Says the mostly naked Renan Lord who spent over an hour ensuring every inch of his body was hairless, rose-scented and gleaming with oil, shooting Zephyr a scandalized look that's mostly for dramatic effect.]
I've been with plenty of men and women in the past, but all they ever gave me were their bodies. Never their hearts. I was simply a means to an end. Whether it was to inflate someone's ego, or elevate their standing in court.
If all I wanted was sex I could have found it with someone half as stubborn and complicated as a Dahnan rebel commander. Really, of everyone I could have chosen in all of Copalli, many of whom don't know my past and would easily excuse my sins-- of course it had to be you.
I'm always reaching for the stars, and you burn the most brightly of anyone I've ever met.
[A low laugh, eyes casting away. Face and throat burning. As a man who lived much of his life as a liar and a fraud, honesty has always come with great difficulty to Dohalim. To be vulnerable in Renan society comes at a great price, one he hadn't been willing to pay.
Until now.
There is nothing Dohalim wouldn't give to be with the man before him. He will find a way for them to be together, even if it takes him the rest of his life. The gods and magic of this word will rue they day they attempt to kept him from Zephyr's side.]
It isn't enough to share a bed. I want to share thoughts, feelings, a life... when I'm with you, I actually want to live. And I haven't wanted that for myself in some time.
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[ He hasn't pulled his head away yet, so Zephyr slides his hand further up his face and cards his fingers through that brilliant sea of red. Even if he gets exasperated with how he tends to wind up with so much of it in his face and on his pillow in the morning, he'll always be amazed at one thing:
How soft it is.
His mind drifts to a time when he'd do this with her, too. And Law. It was his way of connecting with them by doing something so trivial. His own was never long enough to toy with, so he'd simply make due with theirs. ]
I don't know if you know this or not but you're hardly the first person to call me stubborn. I heard it weekly back in Ulzebek, and I hear it in Salamander's voice here, too. And many of the other Salamanders. Even the old woman down the street calls me stubborn. If you're... If you're willing to put up with that and be patient, then...
[ A half-shrug, and Zephyr exhales. ]
Close your eyes for a minute.
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[An arched brow, taken slightly aback. Is Zephyr trying to tell him he isn't half as attractive as he thinks himself, or is he implying there are no better options and he's Dohalim's last resort? Either way, he isn't altogether thrilled by that particular comment.
Especially after Dohalim had bared his heart to Zephyr, and told him in no uncertain terms that he is the light of his life.]
I can handle stubborn, so long as you're actually willing. I'll admit... these past weeks, I did wonder if you were thinking about me at all.
It's difficult to want someone, not knowing if they see you the same way you see them. I know you've already had your great love, and I would never deign to think I could mean as much to you as she does, but I would hope I'm more than... a consolation prize.
[But then there's that hand in his curls, and Dohalim can't think past how good it feels to bask in the light of Zephyr's touch and attention, of which he has been left painfully wanting. Maybe it would be alright not to be the star in someone's eyes, as long as they could make you feel that way for a little while. Bits and pieces of true love and affection are more than someone with a heart as dark as his own is entitled to.
Dohalim closes his eyes, holding onto Zephyr's hand more tightly. More anxious than anticipating. He has no idea what's coming, and now he knows better than to assume.]
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[ He says it so quietly it may as well have been whispered to a moth cupped in his hands. A prayer to Mother Dahna herself, rather than another living, breathing person. He's barely even aware of it himself, but... It's out there. There's no taking it back now.
Only when Dohalim finally closes his eyes does Zephyr finally, finally steel himself. His forehead lifts from the Renan's, and he replaces that contact with a gentle press of dry lips. Another to the spot between his brows. Their noses bump together a little awkwardly, and Zephyr lingers for a moment. ]
I'll only ask this once, Dohalim. Don't... Don't compare yourself to her. I loved her. Love her still. But you're two different people. No matter how it sounds I'll never favor one over the other and to do so would be unfair to not just her, but you. It'd be unfair to everyone I've ever cared for. And... I'm pretty sure if I ever started to, she'd find a way to return from Mother Dahna to kick my ass across the entire continent and back.
[ Ducking his head down, Zephyr ghosts his lips over his cheek. Skips his mouth, and dips lower to bury his nose into the crook of his neck. If he focuses his senses he'd swear he could feel his pulse, but he can't linger. Taking a slow breath — one deep enough to draw more of that rose-scent in to placate the strange, almost wild urge he feels in the back of his mind — he does the one thing he never imagined he'd do willingly for another Renan.
He releases Dohalim's hair, takes both hands into his own (properly this time), and drops to one knee. He kneels. Head bowed. ]
...I'm willing.
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[Weakly, without any backbone behind it, because Zephyr is right. As he so often is. Zephyer does see Dohalim. All of him. Whether Dohalim wants him to or not.
All of the fear, insecurity, and anxiety threatening to overwhelm Dohalim for the past few weeks, compelling his turbulent thoughts and emotions, is dispatched by Zephyr's words with the same simple conviction as his fists.
A bitten back sob as Zephyr's lips break down the last of the defensive line he hadn't known he was holding. It shouldn't be possible for the Dahnan to fight and win the battles going on inside of Dohalim, but somehow Zephyr always does. Protecting him from himself the same as he would anyone else seeking to hurt him.]
I won't, I promise-- to you and Law.
[Dawning realization as Dohalim opens his eyes, and sees the Dahnan kneeling at his feet. He knows what it means. How couldn't he? Zephyr has spent his entire life standing tall beneath the crushing weight of Renan oppression, refusing to take a knee for any Lord, no matter their power.
His hands are shaking in Zephyr's hands, and before Dohalim can find it within himself to speak again, his falling tears are wetting their fingers.]
Oh. Oh my word. You're... you're ruining my eyeliner. Please get up.
I would much rather kiss you than stand over you.
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It's strange. Part of him had been afraid to even think about doing such a thing lest it draw forth painful memories from a life before becoming a rebel. Another part had worried about seeing pity or worse, disappointment in those eyes of his.
Despite it all, he finds none of it. The only thing he feels is a sense of relief and a heavy weight sliding from his shoulders. It's alright. It's going to be okay. ]
You're the first Renan to ever say that.
[ It's a joke. A bad one, but a joke all the same. When he finally hauls himself up it's not to cradle Dohalim's face between his palms or even lean down to kiss him. Instead of doing the predictable, he ducks down just enough to grab hold of the Renan's thighs and lift until his head sits higher than his own. Both arms go under them to support him, and Zephyr leans in to press a kiss to bronze skin. ]
Be gentle with me, alright? Remember, it's been a few years.
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[It really is a bad joke, and a worse retort, not that it stops Dohalim from laughing between sobs. He hardly has time to wipe his tears away before Zephyr is picking him up as if he were a feather. Dohalim's hands go to the Dahnan's broad shoulders, ankles locking delicately behind his back.]
I make no promises, but shall do my best to try.
[A smile down at Zephyr, capturing his mouth in a kiss that's anything but chaste. The time for sweetness and subtlety has surely passed, and after how long Dohalim has wanted to be with Zephyr, not to mention the entire day of preparation, he is more than ready to take this confrontation to the sheets.
They may not be the silk-satin of Dohalim's bed in Autelina, but they'll do.]